| Dishonesty exists in every photograph I publish. Behind my work lies a very personal struggle with what others see and what actually exists in my relationships with places and significant people in my life. In the past few years, my photographs have consisted almost exclusively of images of my significant others. If they do not, they are often a manifestation of the state of my relationship with my ex-wife or my girlfriend. I began taking photos in my spare time while living in New York City a few years ago. All of my friends, including my wife, were at work during the day. I only worked the night shift, and was often lonely, in a muddled state stuck somewhere between sleepwalking and sleep. My photos at the time reflected this. |  |
Dishonest Beauty – Jay Parkinson
Dishonesty exists in every photograph I publish. Behind my work lies a very personal struggle with what others see and what actually exists in my relationships with places and significant people in my life. In the past few years, my photographs have consisted almost exclusively of images of my significant others. If they do not, they are often a manifestation of the state of my relationship with my ex-wife or my girlfriend.
I began taking photos in my spare time while living in New York City a few years ago. All of my friends, including my wife, were at work during the day. I only worked the night shift, and was often lonely, in a muddled state stuck somewhere between sleepwalking and sleep. My photos at the time reflected this. In these, I depicted New York City as very impersonal and isolated, but also beautiful and ordered in its composition. I searched for expansive urban scenes with absolutely no people in them. I was trying to control the mayhem of the city and my own inner turmoil. My photos became a game of control—and, increasingly, an attempt to control the pain of a failing marriage.
I began taking photos only of my wife, treating her as my model and my muse. It wasn’t hard creating something beautiful with her—she is an inviting woman with a strikingly structured but gentle face. Her intimate and inviting expressions contrasted harshly with the reality of an increasingly distant relationship. I began to understand that, through my photos, I was attempting to create an alternate version of reality, one that I seemed to like. Creating a beautiful photo of her reminded me of the lovely things we shared together over the years and as high school sweethearts.
But the dishonesty in all these photos gradually grated on my conscience, and I felt that I could no longer fashion this depressing reality. I needed to get out of the house and away from my wife. I spent months, and almost daily, shooting a series of aspiring Baltimore models in their own homes. I contacted the models via modeling websites and asked them if I could come to their homes and take their portraits. I specifically wanted the most inexperienced models with endless blind hope. The project captured something awkward, unrealistic and seemingly concocted. Their beauty and dreams appear almost stripped from them. An awkward tension between an invading stranger and a wide-eyed, fearful dreamer is all that’s left. Completing this project began my current visual exploration of the relationship between mystery, tension and beauty.
Beauty is often so obvious in our culture, appealing to a strictly animalistic desire, while tension is something subtle and very uncomfortable. Our culture rarely, if ever, mixes the two. Tension doesn’t sell products. My intention is to explore this relationship, creating scenes that combine mystery, tension, ambiguity and beauty. Traditional fashion and portraiture heavily influence me, but I still cannot classify my work. It’s not fashion—it lacks confident beauty. Nobody would want to buy what’s being sold. It’s definitely not portraiture—it reflects me more than the subjects. I currently only shoot with my girlfriend, working as a team with a shared vision. She is hauntingly beautiful and confident in pursuing tension with her beauty and subtle, mesmerizing gaze. Working with her, I am no longer deceiving myself by concocting an alternate and dishonest reality. But, I still have an addiction to control. Our photos involve a very staged scene set in a mysterious, and sometimes terrifying, but beautiful world. But, with all the scouting, staging and artificial light in my scenes, I am finally creating an honest photograph—not visually or conceptually, but personally.
